Sweet 16...?

I'm hoping 2016 will be sweet since 2015 was a year I'm more than happy to say goodbye to. Between the ex-boss that resulted in stress leave from work, managing the returned panic attacks, holding my father's hand while he was in palliative care... and so much more... 2015, well, it wasn't nice knowing you. 

Without my father to talk to, a lot of things built up far more that it normally would have. Strange how that happens. When I'd return from a work trip, he'd be the first person I'd call to tell him all about it. My last week long work trip in December was very stressful and I missed my father even more. He would have talked me down, tell me "all is ok, dear" and then would ask what I was knitting while sitting in those "swanky hotel rooms us government folk got"... oh, he was a funny guy!

My biggest cheerleader is no longer there for me and my un-balanced core needs to hear "all is ok, dear" even more. So this year will be a year of looking to hear those words in different ways. A year of simplifying things in order the clear the clutter... oh, don't worry... I'm not going all granola or anything. While I research and learn and write... it's all to find my centre again.

Of course, knitting will be involved. I believe that art, in all it's many forms, is healing. Knitting has been my healer and carried me in the past and it will again. The simplifying begins with knitting projects that only my stash will support (unless I'm travelling cuz souvenir yarn doesn't count). Good thing I have a large stash. 

Another step... chopped off my hair to a spunky pixie cut! It has always been long since high school. Good thing there's knitting for in-spite of having my own internal solar flares (that's another story), the neck gets a tad cold but oh, the amount of shampoo I'm saving!

While I go through 2016... I will go through it remembering my father's big Irish heart and twinkly blue eyes. While he may no longer be here... my new tat is as my reminder that he is always with me. The knit blue celtic-knot heart with a sprig of Irish Heather is on my right arm so that when I knit, or do anything else, I see it... my reminder that all will be ok.

Last year was a year of heartbreaking tears... this year? Healing tears of joy... and when I begin to doubt, all I need to do is touch my Blue Heart... breathe deep and say to myself, all will be ok.

Oh, and it was yet another shawl I was knitting in that 'swanky' hotel... yup... one healing tear at a time.

A step forward...

"You don't have to talk about it... we can sit and knit"... perfect words said by Vanessa. And sit and knit and drink tea and eat chocolate and watch old movies we did. "You're not having a good time, are you" was all that Diane needed to say as we walked about the Muttart Pyramids. "Strong people need help, too" as Trish and Co held my hands.

It really is the small things that stand out while working through the anxiety attacks. Big things are too overwhelming so it's easy to stay home in the quiet and watch the world go by but steps must be made to move forward... albeit small ones. Going to the market was a big step as it meant being in a crowd. Sitting on the City Hall steps with Diane and Shannon, coffee and butter tarts while watching people was the perfect way to get used to the noise. I didn't stay too long but it was again, a step forward.

Sitting in the yarn room and knitting has been my constant companion... and many a project has been completed. Baby Blanket, Big Honkin' Shawl, a wee bunny and a project bag. Surprise... and a new shawl was started. This wasn't in the plans... there are three pairs of socks on the go that need to be finished cuz the needles are going to be required for Sock Madness (that's for another post). 

You see, I love knitting shawls. They are my go to project because I love wearing them... my accessory of choice. When this pattern popped up and I read the description I knew it was to be. Mil Pasos means Thousands Steps in Spanish, steps you make every single day of your life... and sometimes, one step atta time is all it takes. So, one kind word at a time, one stitch at a time... one step at a time...