A step forward...

"You don't have to talk about it... we can sit and knit"... perfect words said by Vanessa. And sit and knit and drink tea and eat chocolate and watch old movies we did. "You're not having a good time, are you" was all that Diane needed to say as we walked about the Muttart Pyramids. "Strong people need help, too" as Trish and Co held my hands.

It really is the small things that stand out while working through the anxiety attacks. Big things are too overwhelming so it's easy to stay home in the quiet and watch the world go by but steps must be made to move forward... albeit small ones. Going to the market was a big step as it meant being in a crowd. Sitting on the City Hall steps with Diane and Shannon, coffee and butter tarts while watching people was the perfect way to get used to the noise. I didn't stay too long but it was again, a step forward.

Sitting in the yarn room and knitting has been my constant companion... and many a project has been completed. Baby Blanket, Big Honkin' Shawl, a wee bunny and a project bag. Surprise... and a new shawl was started. This wasn't in the plans... there are three pairs of socks on the go that need to be finished cuz the needles are going to be required for Sock Madness (that's for another post). 

You see, I love knitting shawls. They are my go to project because I love wearing them... my accessory of choice. When this pattern popped up and I read the description I knew it was to be. Mil Pasos means Thousands Steps in Spanish, steps you make every single day of your life... and sometimes, one step atta time is all it takes. So, one kind word at a time, one stitch at a time... one step at a time... 

something caustic...

 In-spite of finding three ordinary yet positive things each day, I haven't been feeling very productive the last few weeks. Understandable so says my doctor... burn out/anxiety attacks takes a lot out of a person and there's just so much Netflixing one can do. British dramas aside, I needed to accomplish at least one thing this week. Doing laundry and I noticed my soap making supplies collecting dust in the corner... huh...

So lavender soap it is but it's been a while. Weigh scale, essential oils, sodium hydroxide... check... wait, where are my gloves? Been burned a few times with errant splash spots that gloves are definitely a must. Did I say it's been a while? Well, after miss measuring the oils and hunting down towels to wrap the soap after it's poured I nearly mess up with the handling of the lye.

Take a step back, re-read the 'recipe' and focus. If the lye isn't mixed properly, it's caustic properties can do bad things. Interesting isn't it that it can burn through the skin on it's own yet mixed in the correct amount with some oils... a little time to balance out the ph and voila... rich soap is created that one can use on even the tenderest of skin.

Isn't that the way... something good often comes from something bad. May not seem like it at the time...  often time is needed to just find the balance. Like soap making, lye has been added to my life and some protection is needed to help guard my soul till balance is reestablished. So while I stumble along and work towards managing the anxiety... Netflix, knitting and a few fun excursions it is till I rediscover my balance.

Letting go ain't easy

A week ago today was the panic attack that brought me to my knees... and into the doctors office. Each day I come across such sayings as... let go... this too shall pass... when one door closes... one day atta time... yadda-yadda-yadda. All good things to say but often, not the things one wants to hear but I am trying to listen. That's not an easy task by any means. What is a bit easier (not by much mind you) is finding three things each day to help me get back to me... something I said I would do. While a few days have past since disclosing my messy life, I have been keeping track of my three things... it's riveting reading...

Friday

Barely got my knitting out in the waiting room when I got called for my blood tests

Finished a baby blanket

Heard CatMate snoring in the other room... and giggled

Saturday

B-fast with friends

Going to the market and buying 2 skeins of merino for price of 1... and I wasn't even looking for yarn
Found German chocolate for a Grimm themed knit swap

Today

Finding two 'lost' partially knitted pairs of socks
Registered for Sock Madness
A nap

Now to toss a coin to determine which pair of socks to knit from my super bowl.

Oh, and the good thoughts floating about the universe on my behalf... thank you!

Coming out of hiding

I'm not really hiding in the truest sense but it has been a while since I've even bothered to write. Maybe I have been hiding... or just too tired/busy/unmotivated/uninspired... I could go on but writing the blog just seemed like too much of a chore that I just wasn't up for. 2014 was year... a year that need not be relived.

Here's the thing... I'm on stress leave from work for a month. Lot's of little things piled up that just became too much. Work demands high with little direction/supports... family members sick... helping friends go through stressful times... but the scariest moment... baby brother had a heart attack that, even as I type this, the lump in the throat has returned. From his first day, I have protected my baby brother... it's what big sister's do but I couldn't protect him from this.

Welcome the return of the panic attacks in full force. I was able to manage them quite easily with deep breaths and a short walk... but not this time. It all came crashing down and thankfully, my doctor let me whimper in his office with no pressure to hurry up. And I realized this... Anxiety/panic attacks are not signs of weakness. They're signs of having tried to remain strong for too long.


Hiding has become very easy. I'm a true introvert. I'd rather curl up on the sofa and knit than be with people. Being with people all day is exhausting for me as I have to be "up" all the time. Oh, I can do it... chairing meetings/managing projects/talking to people is all part of my job and I'm reasonably good at. But because I do it all day means there are times when I want none of it on my free time. Hiding for an introvert is really easy... an introvert suffering with panic attacks and hiding becomes a coping mechanism all be it a poor one.


Not this time... oh, I will hide for a wee bit in order to restore, find by balance and strengthen my resilience but I won't retreat into myself so much so that I can't escape. Time with friends... visiting local spots... exercising (insert grimace face here) and knitting (surprise)! Lots and lots of knitting... learning new skills... conquering techniques... and knitting just for me!

Here's the hardest part I will commit to... posting three things each day that help me come out of hiding... three ordinary little things that help me come back to me.

1. disclosing that I am in hiding
2. having a yarn stash so I can shop from home
3. date tonite with my niece at the gym

Now... if only I could retreat to my heartland...

I could use a minion...

I'm sure we could all use a minion or two in our lives. You know, the ones who clean the toilet, removes the greasy dust grime from the top of the kitchen cupboards and does windows. And I say this every year... gotta start that Xmas knitting in the summer. That has yet to happen so a knitty minion would be most helpful. But alas, it's unlikely I'm going to have a follower who would be devoted to me relentlessly and forever.

So many projects started and not enough time to finish them all. What do I do? Start another... squirrel!!! With somewhat sarcastic thanks to Ravelry and a group all about cosies... I discovered Xephyr's wee coffee cosy and had to make my own. If I couldn't have my own devoted lil' follower, at least I'd have one keeping my chamomile tea (cuz at this time of the knitty year, I need calming) hot for the length of knitting a lace shawl row.

Having completed three minion hats for the g-nephews... this would be a piece of cake. After rummaging through the yarn stash (and why stash building is necessary), the appropriate colours were found and voila... a Cosy Minion! Since this was knit up in an evening, a second needed to be completed in the morning to ensure that I remembered what I did. Success! So with much thanks to Xephyr inspiring me and the far too many squirrel moments...

My Cosy Minion ©knottyred

Fits regular size travel mug

Supplies
Worsted weight yarn in denim blue (a), yellow (b), black (c), white (d), grey (e)
5mm DPN's
Crochet hook
Black button (or wobbly eyes)
darning needle

Glossary
Rdn- round
k- knit
p- purl
ch- chain
sc- single crochet
sl st- slip stitch

Body
With yarn a, cast on 36 stitches and join in the round.
Rnd 1-3: k1, p1 across
Rnd 4-10: k across. Change to yarn b.
Rnd 11-17; k across. Change to yarn c.
Rnd 18-19; k across. Change back to yarn b.
Rnd 20-26; knit across.
Cast off.

Eyes
Rnd 1; With yarn d, chain 4. Join in first chain with sl st. Ch 1.
Rnd 2; 8 sc in centre of loop, join with sl st in first ch,
Rnd 3; sc in same stitch as join, 2 sc in each chain to end of round, join with sl st (16)
Rnd 4; With yarn e, sc in each chain. Fasten off leaving tail long enough to stitch eye to body.

Enjoy your beverage responsibly... oh, and don't be selling your minion cosies or this pattern.

The Poppy Project

So Knitmonton is at it again... another yarn bombing adventure! In case you don't know about this Edmonton group... in their words... "We love our city so much that we want to make it even prettier... one yarn-bomb at a time. It's about bringing joy to the everyday of life."

Knitmonton has completed a number of yarn graffiti projects that helped pretty up the city over the past couple of years. Yarn bombing with scarves for the Bissell Centre, sunflower garden for the Alzheimer Centre, pink ribbons for a cancer walk is but a few events this group has been the shenanigators for.

It is their latest project that is very special and it involves poppies... lots and lots of poppies for their Valour Poppy Project for Valour House. Following the lead of many of our local knitters, crocheting the poppies is certainly a faster process and apparently, Knitmonton needs a lot. 

I best be getting started lest I get left behind in the dust of Loopysue... she is one fast knitter/crochet artist! Oh heck, I'll be left in her dust no matter what but we are ever so grateful she is so fast to make up for the rest of us. It's good to have a friends whose strengths make up for our weaknesses, is it not? They make our lives richer while we can only hope to do the same for them. 

Do you want to help? Go to Knitmonton's website or their Facebook page for details... now back to to mini-poppies...

I'd rather be doing...

Three months later and I finally got those dang baby blankets done! Yes, plural... ’cuz the boss went and had twins. Silly me for choosing to make blankets instead of my usual baby tam and booties. I was feeling all smug with my new found crochet skills that showing them off by 'whipping up' the rainbow circular blanket seemed like a good idea at the time. Remind me not to do that again. First thing I did when the last knot was finally tied off? I immediately started knitting fingerless mitts and the right hand cosy was completed in a day... and all the while watching a Doctor Who marathon on the telle!

I'm so in the mood for fast knits right now but I have projects on the go that do require attention. Sadly tho, I just want to stash dive and start new projects because... well... did I mention the crocheting two blankets when the only thing exciting about them was changing colours?! The other reason for doing quick and immediate gratification knits? I'm back in school! Yup, this ol' bird is taking a University Extension course on the Fundamentals of Adult Education (insert ironic laugh here) and all I wanna do is knit!

I'm not a good student. I can always find something better to do than complete the required readings, write the necessary papers (took me half a day to write the opening paragraph on the first paper)... even going to class after work is a chore. This being "accountable for my learning" is for the birds. Don't get me wrong... I love learning new things. I love the anticipation of what's to come... the books... listening to others in the discussions but I have way too many squirrel moments. I can always find something better to do while waiting for a flurry of writing creativity to begin. I even understand the main issue for me... perfection. If I can't do it right the first time, I procrastinate. It's not that I'm a bad student... it's that lil' high school kid inside me screams every so often that 'I'm not good enough'. And so the procrastination and house cleansing and yarn sorting and pattern searching commences. But much like those baby blankets, if I persevere long enough I will get the results I need... then I can treat myself to a luxery knit to celebrate.

Guess I should finish up the last Christmas knit gifts before I begin new ones, huh?! Oooo... some green mereno silk blend just caught my eye... wait, it that bison yarn... oh, my...