A step forward...

"You don't have to talk about it... we can sit and knit"... perfect words said by Vanessa. And sit and knit and drink tea and eat chocolate and watch old movies we did. "You're not having a good time, are you" was all that Diane needed to say as we walked about the Muttart Pyramids. "Strong people need help, too" as Trish and Co held my hands.

It really is the small things that stand out while working through the anxiety attacks. Big things are too overwhelming so it's easy to stay home in the quiet and watch the world go by but steps must be made to move forward... albeit small ones. Going to the market was a big step as it meant being in a crowd. Sitting on the City Hall steps with Diane and Shannon, coffee and butter tarts while watching people was the perfect way to get used to the noise. I didn't stay too long but it was again, a step forward.

Sitting in the yarn room and knitting has been my constant companion... and many a project has been completed. Baby Blanket, Big Honkin' Shawl, a wee bunny and a project bag. Surprise... and a new shawl was started. This wasn't in the plans... there are three pairs of socks on the go that need to be finished cuz the needles are going to be required for Sock Madness (that's for another post). 

You see, I love knitting shawls. They are my go to project because I love wearing them... my accessory of choice. When this pattern popped up and I read the description I knew it was to be. Mil Pasos means Thousands Steps in Spanish, steps you make every single day of your life... and sometimes, one step atta time is all it takes. So, one kind word at a time, one stitch at a time... one step at a time... 

something caustic...

 In-spite of finding three ordinary yet positive things each day, I haven't been feeling very productive the last few weeks. Understandable so says my doctor... burn out/anxiety attacks takes a lot out of a person and there's just so much Netflixing one can do. British dramas aside, I needed to accomplish at least one thing this week. Doing laundry and I noticed my soap making supplies collecting dust in the corner... huh...

So lavender soap it is but it's been a while. Weigh scale, essential oils, sodium hydroxide... check... wait, where are my gloves? Been burned a few times with errant splash spots that gloves are definitely a must. Did I say it's been a while? Well, after miss measuring the oils and hunting down towels to wrap the soap after it's poured I nearly mess up with the handling of the lye.

Take a step back, re-read the 'recipe' and focus. If the lye isn't mixed properly, it's caustic properties can do bad things. Interesting isn't it that it can burn through the skin on it's own yet mixed in the correct amount with some oils... a little time to balance out the ph and voila... rich soap is created that one can use on even the tenderest of skin.

Isn't that the way... something good often comes from something bad. May not seem like it at the time...  often time is needed to just find the balance. Like soap making, lye has been added to my life and some protection is needed to help guard my soul till balance is reestablished. So while I stumble along and work towards managing the anxiety... Netflix, knitting and a few fun excursions it is till I rediscover my balance.

Letting go ain't easy

A week ago today was the panic attack that brought me to my knees... and into the doctors office. Each day I come across such sayings as... let go... this too shall pass... when one door closes... one day atta time... yadda-yadda-yadda. All good things to say but often, not the things one wants to hear but I am trying to listen. That's not an easy task by any means. What is a bit easier (not by much mind you) is finding three things each day to help me get back to me... something I said I would do. While a few days have past since disclosing my messy life, I have been keeping track of my three things... it's riveting reading...

Friday

Barely got my knitting out in the waiting room when I got called for my blood tests

Finished a baby blanket

Heard CatMate snoring in the other room... and giggled

Saturday

B-fast with friends

Going to the market and buying 2 skeins of merino for price of 1... and I wasn't even looking for yarn
Found German chocolate for a Grimm themed knit swap

Today

Finding two 'lost' partially knitted pairs of socks
Registered for Sock Madness
A nap

Now to toss a coin to determine which pair of socks to knit from my super bowl.

Oh, and the good thoughts floating about the universe on my behalf... thank you!